Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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