I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
