At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
