Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
