it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Randomize
