She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
