I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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