Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
