East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
