we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
