Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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