I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
