Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
