I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
