Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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