I am spending my child support on dildos
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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