Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
