it hurts more in the daytime
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He better not be in your backpack
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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