dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
