If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
