the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
as a side note pls kill me
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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