Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
