Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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