I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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