all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
