i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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