Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
