When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You left your phone here
Wait...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
