I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
