I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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