I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
