Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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