Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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