My nipple is on Facebook.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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