He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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