I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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