so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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