if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The beer is more important than you right now.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
