Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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