He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
