I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
