i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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