I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
