At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
