Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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