My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
