Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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