i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
