I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
