More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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