Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
