Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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